I got in!!!!! I was accepted to City Year Columbus today!!! I can’t believe it, somehow the funding worked out, so I start in August!! I am soooo excited, I wanted this so bad. I’m so crazy happy right now. :) :) :)
It’ll mean pushing school back an entire year now.. but having the experience of City Year will be worth it. New York will still be waiting for me when I do finally graduate, and it’ll be worth it to do what I’ll be doing.
Yaaaaaaay!!!!!!!
:::happy dance:::
so let me give a brief explanation of what it's like to know you have a problem and would benefit from seeing a counselor or therapist or whatever. most times it is very hard to even admit you need help, and then it's even harder to find help. most importantly, and hardest for “stable” people to understand, the slightest obstacle to getting help is bigger than life and it's very easy to give up. but hopefully the day comes when you decide to finally seek an answer no matter how hard it may be.
i tried calling some place yesterday, where i was referred to last year but haven't been to since november. the woman i talked to last time no longer works there and i was reassigned to someone else. though i didn't know any of this because any mail they sent me was sent to my old address and wasn't being forwarded. i am directed to the new person's number but only get her voicemail (first oppotunity to give up). she calls me back last night leaving her number but i wasn't home. i call her back today, actually getting to speak with her. apparently my case was closed and she isn't supposed to take any new patients but she could try and fit me in the end of september (second opportunity to give up, who wants to wait 2.5 months???). she decides to ask if anybody else is accepting new patients, i wait on hold another five minutes (third opportunity to give up). she finally comes back and says since my case was closed i need to go through the whole readmission process again and will transfer me to the front desk to set up an appt. for that, more waiting on hold (fourth time to get frustrated)… i'm back at the front desk again, since my case was just closed today, it hasn't been totally processed and i have to call back some time next week after it's totally closed, they can't reopen it until then. some administrative crap like that.
so we have it, the lucky number is five and i have gotten nowhere. five times that had i not been in a good place today, i would have said to hell with it and given up. i wonder if the people in therapist world have any clue what it's like to need help and have to go through all these little processes to get it. and people wonder why i'm so stubborn about it.. try being depressed and having to deal with this shit.
sooo my bitch post today is about a trip to the grocery store. we pulled into a spot behind a Lincoln Navigator Superpollution Subdivision that was already parked at giant eagle. we were just about to get out of the car when the Lincoln started backing up for no apparent reason. of course their back window was well over the roof of my car so they didn't even see me, i had to honk about ten times before they finally stopped backing up. then the woman got out and gave me a dirty look like it was my fault she didn't see me and had no idea why i was honking. it's a good thing she didn't hit me or I probably would have lost it and let out all my anti-SUV rage on her. i just don't get it, i really don't. must be the same bush mentality that no matter what, yours has to be the biggest. to hell with that silly ozone and global warming, and who cares that it gets 2 mpg and you kill everyone you get in a slight accident with because you're driving a fu@@ing house on wheels.
also yesterday i decided on a theme song for starbucks customers…
Hey, Get over it!
Got a job, got a life, got a four-door and a faithless wife.
Got those nice copper pipes, got an ex, got a room for the night.
Aren't you such a catch?
What a prize! Got a body like a battle axe…
Love that perfect frown, honest eyes…
We ought to buy you a Cadillac.”
To all who complain about their stupid lattes and their dry cappachinos.. you are not alone, there are others with cell phones glued to their heads who can't fit their car through the drive thru either. hmm.. get over it.
From the picture on the wall
To the bed post that touched them all
This is where I live
This is where I do my screamin'
How do you say I love you in so many other ways?
This is where I live
This is what I do best
Dreamin' with so much ugliness
Wakin' up to all this beautiful blue
Beautiful you
From the time I walked in
To the point that we're both arguin'
This is how I live
This is where I start screamin'
How do you say I've always felt this way?
This is where I live
This is what I do best
Dreamin' with so much ugliness
Wakin' up to all this beautiful blue
Is beautiful you
Dreamin' under this ugliness
Wakin' up to all this beautiful blue
Beautiful you
Beautiful you
-holly mcnarland
now i hate to point out the obvious.. really i do… but apparently AOL is doing it just fine on their own, and people still don't get it. just look at the opening screen today…
now if the “bring em on” caption isn't enough to tell you that bush can antagonize all he wants since it's not his ass out there in the desert getting killed.. and the “unemployment rate soars” doesn't tell you anything… and the new “let's attack liberia” idea isn't enough.. and bush's selfless support of community service being acted out by cutting americorps funding so i can't be in it this year.. and the picture of the little iraqi kid throwing a rock at our tanks, oh yeah they really want our help.. if the people of the united states are still too stupid and oblivious to add all these things up…
than god help you, you probably voted for him.
after writing all this i just got really angry and decided to write a little email to mr. president himself. president@whitehouse.gov, it's so easy.
Dear Mr. President,
I was enrolled at The Ohio State University and watched on the scoreboard monitor when you spoke at graduation, expressing how important you believe community service to be. You mention the idea quite often actually, I bet it makes people think you're a nice guy. So it's pretty ironic to me that I had to be turned down by Americorps this year because their funding was so severely cut. California alone had to go from having 6,000 Americorps members to just 200. So please tell me why you can spend half of our country's budget on Defense, when much more important things like Americorps and the entire Education system itself, is in such dire need. Please tell me why public schools are having to close and I get hardly any government support to pay for my education. And then even if I do make it through to graduation, after mass amounts of debt are tacked on to my name, why is it I will most likely be unable to find a job? Is it because we need to spend our money on bombs right now, not people? Don't just tell me that a good Defense system is important to our country. You should hopefully know that the U.S. spends more on it than all countries in this world combined. I think it's a tad bit extravagant to put it lightly.
Also, please tell me why you are so quick to antagonize and challenge Iraqi militants at the risk of our soldiers. Is it because you're not out there in the desert and you have no idea what it's like? You have no family that is serving in Iraq right now? That must be why it's so easy for you to put us at war with any country you decide not to like and feel paranoia about. Funny, and yet not surprising, how quickly our goals changed from liberating and helping rebuild Iraq to just getting those darn oil fields working again.
Please explain to me how you can so easily overlook millions of people who were not in support of this war and are still not supportive of your actions. You speak of democracy this 4th of July, but last time I checked, that means *listening to your people*, not just assuming you know what's best for us. Regardless of what the majority chooses, it is your job to listen and follow through with our wishes. Not just take it upon yourself to look the other way and do what you want.
Please stop acting so foolishly and listen to us or you will be kicked out of office faster than you can fall off a scooter. We are without jobs. We are without education. We are in debt up to our ears. We are losing our soldiers in battles we don't need to be in, when you are ignoring the real battles here at home. And I haven't even touched on the fact that I'm gay and I know how much you love that, you certainly show it. But that is a battle for another day. The point is that we are out on the streets screaming to be heard and you are off on vacation with your daddy.
Happy Fourth of July. And please don't send me one of those “Thanks for writing, your ideas are important to me but I'm still not going to listen to you” scripted emails, I still have the other one you sent.
my life is one step closer to complete… i finally found an mp3 of patty griffin's “top of the world”.. not the dixie chicks– patty, the one who actually wrote it. she never fails to put my soul at ease…
“cause everyone is singing, we just want to be heard.. disappearing every day without so much as a word.. wanna grab ahold of that little songbird, take her on a ride to the top of the world”
i guess i need that song now cause i'm disappearing in a way.. i'm in my own little world right now… can't deal with people at all. still getting hurt and i don't know why. i'm sure it's just me, it usually is. right now i just want to make sure i don't hurt the one person who somehow manages to tolerate me. so i am in my own place right now, taking refuge in the few things i'm not afraid of. those certain songs, the special dreams, tiny but meaningful points of light in the day, those lonely books on the shelves…
“Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart too broken
Do I cry too much
Am I too outspoken
Don't I make you laugh
Should I try it harder
Why do you see right through me
I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break
I crave, I love, I've waited long enough
I try as hard as I can
I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man
I try as hard as I can”
-kasey chambers
