A recent work trip reminded me that if you want a glimpse into the future of America, all you have to do is fly somewhere.
- If you make it so far as getting your boarding pass, congratulations for not being on the No Fly list, which contains an estimated one million names.
- Upon arriving at the security checkpoint, you get to strip down to your socks and if you’re lucky they let you keep your shirt and pants on. Cross your fingers as you step through the TSA scanners, hope a filling or metal grommet on your clothes doesn’t trigger a S.W.A.T. raid.
- While your body is being checked for dangerous objects, another TSA agent will rifle through your belongings making sure you haven’t brought along anything dangerous, like 4 oz. or greater of face wash or lotion, which can spontaneously combust at high altitudes.
- If you’re lucky enough to make it through security, you run a high risk of being checked by TSA agents again, usually a half hour before boarding. They’ll interrupt you while you’re reading or checking your email and will wear rubber gloves (in case you’ve suddenly contracted cooties) as they check your boarding pass.
- Getting thirsty? Too bad you had to dump your drink at the security gate. Water collected outside the airport can spontaneously combust.
- Fortunately, if you get thirsty or hungry while waiting to board you can visit one of many food chains located near the gate. But be prepared for hyper-inflation, as you are a captive audience. $5 for a bagel and $4 for coffee sounds about fair. But eat it FAST because it is not allowed on the plane, more spontaneous combustion risks. The peanuts and soda they pass out are specially treated and do not run this risk.
- While waiting to board, you may find it hard to concentrate on a phone call or book because every five minutes you will be interrupted with a loud but friendly message from the Department of Homeland Security reminding you of the day’s current threat level. Five bucks says it’s orange. But DON’T BE ALARMED.
- As you’re called to board the plane, you run the risk of being singled out AGAIN by a TSA agent for a random pat-down and boarding pass check. In case anything’s changed since the first three checks. They will also look at you menacingly, guilty until proven innocent, the American way.
- Once on board the plane you will be offered a drink and food menu, but most items can only be acquired through electronic payment, no cash allowed.
- All of these items will be outrageously priced, but you have no choice, you’re on this plane for hours and your drink from home was confiscated at the security checkpoint long ago.
- If you survive all the previous steps, you should eventually arrive at your destination, feeling like a criminal that’s evaded capture yet again.
- What a lovely experience that was! Hard to figure out why air travel is declining…
What have we learned from this little adventure? Hyperinflation, electronic currency, Fourth Amendment violations, and police-state surveillance tactics are all being tested at the great human laboratory we call the Airport.
You’ve probably already experienced these things throughout your day-to-day life, but that was nothing. Just wait til Airport mode comes out of beta — Homeland 2.0!
Oh yeah, and make sure your seat is in the upright position prior to landing. That 5 degree decline really distracts the pilot.
